Lather, Rinse and Repeat

Respect yourself.  Not only is this the HARDEST thing to do, it's the easiest thing to forget about in the ebb and flow of life.  I have been sick with the nastiest nastiness for the past 4 days and it has become clear that I have not been respecting myself.  Funny how things come to the surface when you are crumpled in the fetal position in your bed for 36 hours, not eating or sleeping, rather begging for forgiveness for whatever sin you committed to deserve such punishment.  But I digress...

So,  what do I really mean about respecting yourself?  It is not a one size fits all definition.  However, I am slowly figuring out what it means to me.  I am a little annoyed that it has taken me 40 years to figure it out but here I am, lying in bed,  in the dark,  writing this because in the struggle to pull together clothes for tomorrow I have had a moment of clarity.  When I am stressed, I give up on me.  Everything and everyone becomes a priority and I don't take care of my needs. What I want is to not forget to find value in who I am, especially when life gets messy. This past year has been very difficult.  To combat the stress, I ate anything and everything and 7 months later I have gained 25 pounds.  Talk about disrespect! Now, none of my clothes fit and I feel ashamed and embarrassed to leave the house. All of this because I forgot to remind myself that I matter too.  No donut, pizza, bar of chocolate or frappuchino is more important than my happiness.  These things do not fix problems, they only create another that is silently waiting on the other side.

It is time.  Time to remind myself that I have value.  I deserve to be happy and do not have to push my needs aside anymore.  Tomorrow, I will wake up and return to my classroom full of kinders.  With me I will bring my coffee, my Clorox wipes ('cause we need to sanitize the crap outta that room) and my self respect. Lather, rinse and repeat.  

The Sunday Thing

Sunday.  It's a thing.  You wake up from beautiful Saturday slumber and wake into "I've got the whole day ahead of me." Pretty soon you realize that the clock has betrayed you and it is now 2:00 and you have gotten NOTHING. DONE.  What happened to the WHOLE day ahead of me???  It's a thing.  You know it.  I know it.  Sunday is the Bain of my existence.  Not only do I hate Sunday, I loathe it.  You see, when you live with this awesome thing called anxiety, Sunday can be awful. Forget the coffee, shnuggly blankie and Lifetime movies.  Nothing can save an anxious person from the Sunday spins. During the week, I teach 25 gloriously active Kindergarteners, serve on many leadership committees, attend workshops, teach an afterschool club and plan, craft and create.  When I get home, I am toast.  The second I enter the door it's pjs, ponytails and makeup remover. Somewhere in there I unwind with some YouTube, doggie shnuggles and dinner with my favorite man.  So when Sunday comes, not only have I not cleaned the bathroom or vacuumed, I haven't done laundry, the dishes or finished my plan book for the week.  So the spin begins.

So, why am I writing about how terrible Sunday is? Everyone hates it.  Old news.  Well, for someone with anxiety, Sunday (or whatever day is your day before the week begins) can manifest a myriad of complications.  Most people will see said clock at 2:00 and get off their bum and do something about it.  By 5:00, the laundry is done, bathroom is clean and dinner is in the oven whilst you vacuum the floor.  Let me share what happens in my brain. Upon realizing it is 2:00, I go over all the things that need to be accomplished. Laundry, plans, dishes, bed sheets, vacuum, dust, call family, etc.  Then my brain starts the attack.  "You are so lazy."  Holy crap, no wonder you can't have kids. You can't even take care of yourself!" "How can he even want to stay married to you?" "Those kids at school are getting nothing out of you being their teacher." "You are not smart." "No one wants to talk to a stupid, lazy person." "You should just be alone because everyone would be better off." This is only phase one of the attack.  Anxiety is a tricky one/two punch.  First it knocks you down with self loathing thoughts.  Then it pummels you over and over again with the worry. "Those dirty dishes are going to make you sick." "Someone in the office is going to find out that you are a horrible teacher and then you will be fired." "What if someone comes over and sees how I live in such filth?" "What if I do get pregnant? What if I can't take care of it?" "Does my family really want to talk to me? Probably not because I didn't call last week." Awesome, isn't it?

So, Sunday is not my favorite day.  I loathe it like most do, just for different reasons.  Right now, it is 4:40.  I am in holy crap mode.  What am I going to do about it?  I am going to get off the couch, do the damn dishes, make dinner, and make sure I finish the laundry.  Even though I have more on the list, that is all I can handle for today.  Sunday.  It's a thing.  Thankfully it only lasts a day.